The Sad Ramifications of Being a Sparkly Vampire
by faithwood
Summary: As all vampires, Draco is afraid of sunlight. Parody. Fluff. HPDM. SLASH. Oneshot. Tongue-in-cheek Twilight references.


**Disclaimer: **Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement intended.  
**Title: **The Sad Ramifications of Being a Sparkly Vampire  
**Pairing: **Harry/Draco

**Author:** Faith Wood  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Word Count: **600  
**Genre: **Humour  
**Status: **Complete  
**Summary: **As all vampires, Draco is afraid of sunlight.  
**Warnings: **Ahem. I read Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books, and I got bit (Ha!) by a plot bunny. This isn't a crossover, but it might not make much sense if you're unfamiliar with Meyer's description of vampires. Though ... points at title All you need to know. I suppose this could be labelled as a bit of a parody, but I did like the books well-enough. It's not my intention to be mean. I'm just amused. :D This is crack, however.

**Note: **My deepest apologies for delayed and nonsensical review responses. I haven't been receiving e-notifications form FFN and I seriously thought no one here is reading my stories, so I haven't even checked. Sorry. LOL! I thought everyone here hates me. :( And then WHAM! My inbox gets flooded. Sorry. -- Faith

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The Sad Ramifications of Being a Sparkly Vampire

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"Draco," Harry whined exasperatedly.

"Solitude is as needful to the imagination as society is wholesome for the character," Draco declared with dignity.

Harry sighed, gripping his lover's shoulders, making him turn away from the window, and look at him. "You have to go out eventually."

Draco nodded. "During the night, of course."

"We could go shopping," Harry suggested innocently.

Draco's resolve was clearly crumbling. "Harry, you know I can't. You know what happens to me under the sunlight. I can handle drinking blood and I could handle bringing terror and despair into people's eyes ..." Draco trailed off dreamily, but Harry quickly shook him. Draco cleared his throat. "Though I would never do such a thing. Naturally."

"And why is that?" Harry said in a stern voice.

"Because I would never get laid again," Draco said dutifully, scowling nonetheless.

"No, you wouldn't," Harry confirmed. "Now come on, let me buy you something ... made of leather?"

At the mention of leather, Draco perked up. "Well alright then. If you insist. However, if someone says anything about _it_ — I'll bite them."

"How about this ..." Harry leaned in, whispering huskily into Draco's ear, "If someone says anything about _it_ — you can bite me. Repeatedly."

Draco shuddered minutely, swallowed, and then nodded his assent.

Pleased, Harry grabbed Draco's arm and Apparated them to Diagon Alley.

Things had gone well enough while they were browsing various shops. People had stared but they had wisely kept their mouths shut. However, as Harry was dragging Draco out of the store where his leather–crazed lover ogled a leather thong, speculatively sizing Harry up, a small girl that had been walking down the street with her mother, suddenly pointed at Draco and started to squeal enthusiastically.

"Mummy, mummy look! It's a vampire! Oh mummy, isn't he pretty? Look, he's sparkling! He looks like an angel! May I go and pet him?"

Draco paled, which was a feat considering he was extremely pale regardless, and he grabbed Harry's hand tightly as though trying to restrain himself from attacking the poor girl.

Apparently given bravery by the squealing child, the passers-by started agreeing, _uh_-ing and _oh_-ing at Draco's beauty.

The girl's mother covered her daughter's eyes.

"Stop staring, dear. You'll hurt your eyes," she said sternly, then gave Draco a saucy look and led her child away.

"It's not fair. They're supposed to be terrified of me," Draco mourned.

Harry looked at Draco standing stiffly, appearing as though he had been carved out of white marble, and sparkling enticingly on the sunlight — he was truly unearthly beautiful.

"You are terrifying," Harry deadpanned.

Draco looked at him with narrowed eyes. "I was promised something, remember?" Draco's gaze lowered on Harry's neck and Harry felt his pulse speed up.

Harry cleared his throat, squirming under Draco's hot stare, his trousers feeling impossibly tight all of a sudden. "Yes, yes, you can ravage me now, my extra sparkly vampire."

Draco clenched his jaw, swished his cloak theatrically, and grabbed Harry around the waist. "Oh I'll make you see real sparks, Potter."

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Fin

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